Game of Thrones is over. I know, it’s sad because where else are you going to get your fix of dragons and incestuous relationships? Well, I may have the answer for you. Prehysteria! Wait, don’t leave! Hear me out, I think you’ll be surprised.
Okay, Prehysteria! may not have dragons but it’s got the next best thing. Dinosaurs! Unexplained miniature dinosaurs to boot! The OG dragons as I like to call them. A batch of frozen dinosaur eggs are found in the jungles of Mexico, and a greedy museum owner, Rico Sarno (Stephen Lee) steals them for profit. He brings them home, but a bad case of switched coolers has the eggs landing in the paws of a dog and her family, the Taylors. The eggs hatch and out walk five miniature dinosaurs, ready to party!
Now, I know you’re asking, where is the incest?!? Okay, so it might not be the in-your-face incest that we have all come to love in Game of Thrones, but trust me, it’s there and it’s extremely uncomfortable. The Taylor family consists of a widowed father, Frank (played by Brett Cullen), an Elvis loving son, Jerry (played by Austin O’Brien), and a daughter, Monica, who loves to seductively call her father “daddy” (played by Samantha Mills). During all these hi-jinks of dinosaur mayhem – which, mind you, they all react to with eerie calmness – Frank is busy trying to hook up with that creepy museum owner’s assistant, Vicki (Colleen Morris). However, Monica isn’t taking too kindly to her daddy getting some action. Sure, the movie makes it seem like it’s because she misses her mother and she is afraid dear old daddy is going to forget about her, but I know what it’s really about. The looks, the scantily clad outfits, the pouting, the excessive use of daddy, the dad having no issues talking with his daughter in only his underwear: the signs are all there. This is one family that needs counseling, and Vicki should get out while she still can.
Anyway, back to the main story. Rico is furious when he finds out that the Taylor family has his dinosaurs, so he hires some crooks to steal them back. The plan goes rather smoothly and the Taylor family kind of say “oh well” and get on with their lives way too easily. However, after a stern talking-to from his son and his lover/daughter, Frank decides to rescue his other love, the dog, and the dinosaurs. Will it work? Will the movie end happily ever after? Will social services be called? And why is a poor man’s Pauly Shore in this movie? Was the real Pauly Shore not available?
Can we really call Prehysteria! a terrible movie? I mean, sure the acting is painful, the special effects, although cute and adorable, are obviously low budget. It has some scenes that will make you stop and say “damn, that was probably the worst-acted scene I’ve ever watched before.” Still, can we call it terrible? It’s got laughs, a bit of heart, and the unintentional incest storyline elevates the film above most low-budget affairs of its kind (are there any other movies like this?). In the end, I think we can honestly say, with absolute certainty, that Prehysteria! is a terrible movie. No really, this movie is awful. Watch it with friends and lots and lots of alcohol.
If you’re going to watch with friends, make sure you pick up the Full Moon Blu-ray of Prehysteria! Sure, the clean video transfer actually makes the effects look worse, as evident during several scenes where the dinosaurs need to walk on their own or fly into a scene. The extra feature titled “Videozone,” which is a making-of for Prehysteria!, just shows you how much better the terrible effects look when the video quality is standard definition. The blending is much better. As for other special features, you have an audio commentary with director Charles Band and actor Austin O’Brien, who freely admit that the movie isn’t that great and the ending is godawful. Rounding out the features are trailers for more Full Moon releases. Sadly, no Prehysteria 2 and 3 trailers.
Prehysteria!, like most Full Moon films, is best watched with friends and lots of drinks. It’s an awful film, but there is some fun to be had; some definite unintentional fun. The Blu-ray is your standard release, but the commentary is enjoyable and the old Videozone feature was a blast from the past.