It’s almost Christmas time folks! So, I figured the best way to get into the Christmas spirit, is to watch a movie about a killer Santa Claus. Silent Night, Deadly Night seems to be the gift I was wishing for, as it’s a bloody, cheesy and nudity filled festival of murder and mayhem. No wonder hordes of angry Mother’s couldn’t keep it away…
Short nitty-gritty plot description from IMDb is as follows: After his parents are murdered, a young tormented teenager goes on a murderous rampage dressed as Santa, due to his stay at an orphanage where he was abused by the Mother Superior.
Silent Night, Deadly Night, is by definition a bad movie. It’s cheesy, with bad acting and a bad plot, but still a lot of fun. Coming out in 1984, at the height of slasher films, the movie fits in perfectly. The killer’s motive might be basic and honestly a little batshit insane, but this was never a thinking man’s movie. The plot starts off with a little kid named Billy, who becomes scared to death of Santa, due to ramblings of the worst mentally unstable Grandfather a kid could ask for. From there, Billy witnesses his parents getting brutally murdered by a crazed lunatic dressed as Santa. Cut to a few years later and our traumatised boy is stuck in the worst orphanage ever. Here’s an example of how wonderfully run this place is: Billy gets in trouble for drawing a crude and bloody photo of a dead Santa and gets sent to see Mother Superior. She sees the photo and proceeds to scream at Billy, wondering why he would do such a horrible thing. I don’t know Mother, maybe it has something to do with his parents getting brutally murdered by Santa.
After some more scenes of nonsense at the orphanage, with one great scene involving the boy being forced to sit on Santa’s lap at Christmas time, which results in Billy cold clocking the shit out of Santa, we cut to 10 years later. It’s time for Billy to grow up and move on and the best way to do that, is to get a job. Obviously, the nuns think the best place for Billy to work, who I remind you has a tremendous fear of Santa, is at a toy store, yes a toy store. Things seem to be going fine for most of the year, with an awesome montage of Billy picking up boxes, straightening up the aisles and just being creepily stared at by the manager. However, it doesn’t take long for things to go sour, once Christmas rolls around.
After a few random space outs and flashbacks of his parents being murdered by Santa and one awful dream involving Billy, who has a tremendously hairy ass, making sweet love with one of his fellow coworkers, we come to the breaking point. Billy gets roped into dressing up as Santa for the store and the next thing you know he’s gone completely insane and starts punishing all the naughty people. You know he’s punishing them, cause he keeps yelling out “Punish!” every time he attacks someone. There doesn’t seem to be a pattern to his madness, as he kills at random, which involves a few bullies who stole some sleds from some poor kids and go sliding and another victim named Denise, who is played by Linnea Quigley. Denise manages to win the award for the most inappropriately dressed babysitter in the world. She’s topless for most of her scenes (hey, I’m not complaining), wears short cutoff jeans and has a great death involving deer antlers. One thing you needn’t worry about in Silent Night, Deadly Night, is the lack of nudity and violence. You know, the staples of a good Christmas movie.
Now, as I said above, the kills seem to be random, but somehow the cops along with a Sister from the orphanage (a woman who cared tremendously for Billy) figure how where Billy is going, which just happens to be the orphanage. The cops put out an APB on him and remind them that he’s dressed as Santa and should be shot on site, which, honestly doesn’t seem like the brightest, safest thing to do, but anyway, cause of this, we get one of the most awesome scenes in the film. Seeing how it’s Christmas Day, the kids get a short visit from the local pastor, who comes dressed as jolly old Saint Nick, which as I’m sure you guessed already, is brutally shot in front of all the children. Yes, my readers, not only does this orphanage treat their kids like crap, they also manage to have Santa killed violently on their doorsteps. I’m thinking this place should just close it’s doors for good.
I feel like I’ve spoiled enough of the movie, which I usually don’t do, so I apologize for that, but I just couldn’t help myself with this one. I will conclude my review(?) and leave it up to you to find out how Billy’s adventure ends. Will he get his chance to punish all the naughty people? Will he ever do something about that ass hair? Find out yourself by watching this masterpiece, which comes highly recommended by yours truly. Now to watch the numerous sequels, which I hear gets more insane with each one.
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